I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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