Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
