lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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