How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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