Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
