Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
