There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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