did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
