About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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