Old men and throwing up are my life now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
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Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
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