Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
