wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
