I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So much rum. So many feels.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
