if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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