I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
