I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
