tonight lets celebrate not being married
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
