I should be sponsored by Trojan
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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