i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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