I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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