I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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