Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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