i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
