I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
