I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
