The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
