I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
