i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
