im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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