I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
