My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He better not be in your backpack
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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