the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
