that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
