I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
