Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
whose parrot is this?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
