If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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