so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
