Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
