either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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