How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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