my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
