Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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