my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
