Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
