Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
