So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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