I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
