Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
