Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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