I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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