Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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