I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
