i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You need Xanax blowdarts
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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