I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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