So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
