Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
