I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
