where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
