your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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